The Fantastically Furious Summer Movie Guide, and Other Titillations

In 2014, I straight skipped my annual list of summer movies to see. No one batted an eye. The world kept spinning.

Time to bring the world to a screeching halt! The world needs this. More than I do.

Based on Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie Preview, I am cognizant of many upcoming films. 86 to be exact.

Will I see them in the theater? Given my recent track record, I’d answer that question with a hearty no. Maybe on a plane. Maybe on that Netflix thing. Maybe never.

But, let’s do this list of movies to see or not to see anyway. I have nothing better to do. Apparently, you have nothing better to read. Well, you could read this?

 

Totally going to happen

1. The Avengers: Age of Ultron
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
3. Jurassic World (Never say no to dinosaurs that can eat you.)
4. Ant-man
5. Inside Out (I love Pixar. I do!)
6. Terminator Genisys (Completely unnecessary, but Arnold is BACK. He said he would be.)
7. Tomorrowland
8. Aloha

 

It just may happen

1. Vacation
2. Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation
3. Pixels
4. Pan
5. Slow West
6. Ted 2
7. Masterminds
8. The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
9. Dark Places
10. Z for Zachariah
11. Southpaw

 

Not a chance

1. Magic Mike XXL
2. Poltergeist
3. San Andreas
4. Fantastic Four (Superhero fatigue and they already had their chance)
5. The D Train
6. Furious 7 (I missed movies 3-6, so best to let it ride.)

 

Pour some butter on me!

Summer Movies and Other Excuses to Make Out in the Back Row

Summer is here! I wish you were beautiful.

Like clockwork, Entertainment Weekly sent me their annual ‘Summer Movie Preview’. It’s a good summer for science fiction. Special effects. Mayhem. Crude jokes. A new Star Trek movie. A new Superman movie. There will be lots of action, but little of that will happen in the back row of the theater. Let’s shine a light on all the hubbub.

Last year I saw 10/10 from my ‘yes’ list, 5/8 from my ‘maybe’ list and a mere 2/8 from my ‘no’ list (boredom on a plane…). So this year…

Make it so! (I will see)

1. Star Trek Into Darkness
2. Iron Man 3
3. Man of Steel
4. World War Z
5. Monsters University
6. The Wolverine
7. Elysium
8. The Internship

Engage. Warp 1. (I may see)

1. The Great Gatsby
2. The Hangover Part III
3. Now You See Me
4. The Heat
5. After Earth
6. The Lone Ranger
7. R.I.P.D
8. The World’s End
9. Kick-Ass 2
10. 2 Guns
11. This Is The End
12. Only God Forgives

Red Alert! Fire all phasers! (I won’t see)

1. Fast & Furious 6
2. White House Down
3. The Bling Ring
4. Grown Ups 2
5. The Smurfs 2
6. The Mortal Instruments
7. Austenland

Spit out those Jujubes and pucker up!

Another One of Those 2012 Summer Movie Previews

I’ve finally read Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie Preview. Holy cow, Batman, it seems like another summer of superheroes! What am I going to see? What I’m I going to skip? Today’s your lucky day, because we’re about to find out.

Looking over my summer movie list from last year (2011 Summer Movie Preview) I notice I only saw 9 of 14 ‘Yes’ movies. I saw a 5 of 8 of my ‘maybe’ movies. And 1 of 8 from the ‘no’ list. To be fair to ‘no’, I do have 3 more of those movies in my Netflix queue.

Let’s do this thing.

Yeah, kinda have to see it

1. The Dark Knight Rises
2. The Avengers
3. Prometheus
4. Total Recall
5. The Campaign
6. Brave
7. Rock of Ages
8. Snow White and the Huntsmen
9. The Amazing Spider-Man (cash grab!)
10. The Bourne Legacy (cash grab part II)

Sure, I might see it

1. The Dictator
2. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
3. Beasts of the Southern Wild
4. Ted
5. Neighborhood Watch
6. G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Bruce Willis…)
7. To Rome With Love
8. Moonrise Kingdom

What? Forget about it! 

1. The Expendables 2 (old guys shooting people)
2. Men in Black 3 (yaaaawwwwn)
3. Magic Mike (umm, no?)
4. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
5. That’s My Boy (please no)
6. What to Expect When You’re Expecting
7. The Oogiloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (woohoo!!)
8. Sparkle (sorry, Whitney, not gonna happen)

It’s on like Donkey Kong!

Super Crazy First Class Deathly Green Cowboy Movie Preview 2011 (Hangover Edition)

Entertainment Weekly’s annual Summer Movie Preview is staring me in the face (actually an unshaven Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, is staring at me with what are meant to be piercing, soul-searching eyes). It’s that time to ask ‘What are my movie desires this summer?’ ‘Which popcorn-guzzling, chick-flick, action-adventure, Rom-Com, special effects driven plot will capture my attention?’ ‘Will the world end if I don’t write about this topic?’* Let’s find out.

From last year ‘s summer movie post (2010 Summer Movie Preview) I saw 11 of 14 movies I was keen for (yet only 3 of them in theaters). I saw a mere 3 of 9 of movies I was lukewarm about. And a hardy zero of 8 from the list of awful looking movies. Not bad. Not bad. Another year, another list. Get on with it.

Gonna happen!

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2
2. The Hangover Part II
3. Super 8
4. Green Lantern
5. X Men: First Class
6. Cowboys & Aliens
7. Crazy, Stupid, Love.
8. Captain America: The First Avenger
9. Cars 2 (gotta see all Pixar movies)
10. The Debt
11. The Change-Up
12. There Be Dragons
13. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
14. Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times

 

Might stand a chance

1. Thor
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (mermaid and Penelope Cruz alert!)
3. Mr. Popper’s Penguins
4. Bad Teacher
5. Larry Crowne
6. Horrible Bosses
7. Our Idiot Brother
8. 30 Minutes or Less

 

Not even if you were cute and needed a date

1. Kung Fu Panda 2 (hiiii yah!)
2. Bridesmaids (already have my own Hangover, this is unnecessary)
3. The Beaver (Mel Gibson with a beaver puppet – not liking the concept)
4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (oh heck, I’ll probably see it and hate every minute)
5. Zookeeper (ummm, no?)
6. The Smurfs (almost tempted because Smurfette could be hot)
7. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (You maniacs! Ah, damn you!)
8. Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (yes, to do something else)

Miller time! Uggh, wrong choice. It’s time for a beer at any rate. Peace.

* The answer to this question is usually ‘yes’.

To Uh-Oh Those 2010 Summer (Movie) Nights

When Entertainment Weekly‘s Summer Movie Preview landed in my mailbox last week, I geeked all over. Step up and let’s scope out the movies to see this summer.

Oh Yeah! It’s On!

1. Iron Man 2
2. The A-Team
3. The Girl Who Played With Fire
4. Toy Story 3
5. Salt
6. Robin Hood
7. The Expendables
8. Inception
9. Dinner for Schmucks
10. The Adjustment Bureau
11. Knight and Day
12. Perrier’s Bounty
13. Agora
14. The Other Guys

Could See It Happening

1. Grown Ups
2. Get Him To the Greek
3. MacGruber
4. Predators
5. Shrek Forever After
6. The Last Airbender
7. Ondine
8. The Killer Inside Me
9. Get Low

Fuhgeddaboudit!

1. Sex and the City 2 (probably the worst idea ever)
2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (will be painful) 
3. Life During Wartime (will hate it)
4. The Karate Kid (did you see Jaden Smith do the spilts?!? I won’t be party to such terrible abuse to men’s groins)
5. Marmaduke (only a live action Family Circus would be worse)
6. Babies (too cute for me)
7. Killers (Ashton Kutcher! need I say more?)
8. Grease Sing-Along (Uh-oh!)

out!

Top Summer Movies To See in 2009

Here is my handy cheat sheet on the upcoming summer movies:

Gotta see it…

• X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• Star Trek
• Terminator Salvation
• Public Enemies
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
• Up
• Inglorious Bastards
• Brüno
• The Land of the Lost
• The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3
• The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
• Year One
• The Hangover
• Funny People
• The Time Traveler’s Wife

Slightly curious…

• G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
• Night at the Musuem: Battle of the Smithsonian
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• District 9
• Battle for Terra
• Ponya

No way!

• Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
• My Sister’s Keeper
• Angels & Demons
• Orphan