The annual Hill Rag Pet Photo Contest has cast its penetrating light on the dogs and cats of D.C.’s Capitol Hill. This hotbed of pet perfection is well represented by the Wiener Dog, the Greatest Breed. Having said that, few wiener dogs actually make the pages of the Hill Rag. A strange and sad phenomenon, only made better by Kuma, the Wiener Dog.
For the fifth consecutive year, Kuma has graced the Hill Rag with his winning personality and wit. One more year, and he’ll be named Editor-in-Chief of the whole publication!
This year he gets ‘Honorable Mention’ in the Best Caption Category.
Wiener dogs are cute. Wiener dogs are feisty. Wiener dogs are winners.
The Hill Rag leaked the results of the 2012 Pet Photo Contest in the form of their July issue.
Kuma, hot dog extraordinaire, is victorious. He wins Best in the Cleverest category.
He also gains the distinguished honor of being featured three consecutive years. And four out of five. An honor only bestowed on the greatest of dog breeds, the wiener, in the greatest of neighborhoods, the Hill.
Kuma is available to the press to bark at any questions or to pee on any fire hydrants. Get your appointment in early, he does have a full schedule of sleeping all day.
Going deeper into the Hill Rag’s contest there are still critical gaps in wiener dog representation. Only three this year? One of those is hard to tell the breed. There are so many to choose from.
The results are in for the Hill Rag’s 2011 Pet Photo Contest. The competition was fierce and all entrants fought tooth and nail (sometimes literally) to win the coveted chance to appear in full photo glory. After all the ballot boxes were stuffed and counted thrice, the bribes pocketed, the attack dogs chained, and the catnip had worn off, July’s Hill Rag proudly showcased the cream of the crop of dogs and cats of Capitol Hill.
Except the creme de la creme, Kuma the wiener dog, only won Honorable Mention in the Most Laid Back category. Clearly not enough bribes reached the right pockets or the attack dogs didn’t terrify the right people to vote the right way. Since he’s too laid back to care that much, all acts of vengeance to correct this slight are on hold until further notice.
An analysis of this year’s contest shows that there were three wiener dogs represented. Given the number of wiener dogs that live on the Hill, this remains a mysteriously underwhelming disappointment. I’ve noticed a healthy influx of new wiener dogs in just my neighborhood alone. (New: Beastie, Otto, Moochie, Dodger, Bo. Stalwharts: Kuma, Gage, Jasper, Mr. Big, Olive).
The goal for 2012 is a 100% wiener winner in all categories. Best Photo? Wiener. Top Dog? Wiener. Cutest? Wiener. Funniest? Wiener. Top Cat? Wiener.
(As told to this writer by Kuma, the wiener dog, of his chances after submitting two photos to the Capitol Hill Rag’s 2010 Pet Photo Contest.)
“I have the lion’s share of awesome. And by lion’s share, I mean I don’t share. In my clenched jaw, I hold all of the awesome available. Ever. You have none.
You could be wondering why I bring this up, as it is often de-motivating to discover someone is not awesome. Not awesome even in the slightest. Well, I can’t help myself. I have all the awesome and everyone will simply have to cry themselves to sleep each night with that knowledge.
I am telling you and your readers this so you can stop striving for awesome. Simply be. Simply exist. Don’t hurt yourself trying to rise to a level that is too far above you. Don’t be that person or dog that spends all his/her time trying to grab something just out of reach. You will never have it. It is mine and it is awesomeness.
You might think there is enough awesome for all who seek it. Not so. I have already obtained all awesomeness ever in the course of my being awesome. It is simply not possible for anyone else to even get a sliver. Or a splinter. Or a drop.
You may be speculating on how someone might snatch the awesome away. Or how to steal it when I’m not looking. Or how to kill me and pry my cold, dead jaws apart and take the awesome for themselves. Well, let me tell you. Don’t even try it. Earlier I misbarked. I don’t hold the awesomeness. I am the awesomeness. So when I die, all awesome dies with me. You can’t take it from me, without me going right along with it.
You could be wondering if this will be over soon. No. It won’t. Not until everyone acknowledges their inability to obtain any possible speck of awesome. Since people are likely speechless from shock and sadness, I’ll let it slide this once.
Just remember the lion. He did not get even a simple lick of awesome…it is all mine.
(Editor’s note: Kuma finished 3rd in the ‘Funniest’ category. Photo available below. His anger is immense. Currently, Kuma is reviewing his revenge options: a) rampage through the Hill Rag offices – implementing maximum carnage, b) poop on the patio of all those that voted for the other non-awesome dogs or c) look at the voters with his big, sad eyes until they concede and reprint July’s Hill Rag with him on the cover.)
“No one cares about you. Almost no one even knows you exist.”– Seth Godin, “Who’s There?”
On that somber note, let’s first establish that neither of my grandmothers like cats. They are dog people, through and through. Just like me.
The reason I bring up the term ‘cat blog’, is that it’s been used by the author above to describe blogs about YOU. When you share and blog about details of your life, what you ate, where you went, what your cat did yesterday, etc. That’s considered a ‘cat blog’. As opposed to a second category of blogs that are for sharing ‘ideas’ with the audience or providing them a service.
This blog is probably closer to the ‘cat blog’ realm, though I’d argue I occasionally dip into the sharing ‘ideas’ realm (as lame as they are). Before we continue, I’m dismissing the name and changing it to ‘dog blog’, because cats drool and dogs rule. And the reason I’m pontificating now is because today there can be no doubt about the fact that this particular post is all about the ‘dog blog’…
My dog’s photo was featured in the July 2009 DC Hill Rag’s (a monthly publication) Annual Pet Photo Contest! High Five! Kuma is cuter than those others dogs! Long live the wiener dog!
I know no one really cares (with all the tragedy happening on this planet), but after all this is my blog and I’ll write about whatever dog I so choose.