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Archive for the ‘Lame humor’ Category

Routine.

Having a daily routine keeps us regular. It allows us to function during the day.

The proverbial three S’s of any guy’s morning ‘the sh$t, shave and a shower’ keeps us refreshed and ready for whatever the day wants to throw at us.

Failing to accomplish any of these three feats, we become vulnerable.

 

Three S Routine

Sh$tting: Failing to contemplate life in the morning, or read the New Yorker (for the articles), while perched on the porcelain throne, is a devastating blow to our bowels. We haven’t fully clinched the morning, nor knocked out our daily plan of action.

Shaving: If we don’t shave, we look unkempt. Unprepared, as if we just woke up. Even if you do want a luxurious beard, close-cropped stubble, or you are Tom Selleck, we still take time to trim it or maintain it.

Showering: Failing to shower means we stink. More than usual.

 

Now some people may add additional elements to their morning routine, some of which I shall address with finesse here:

Coffee: Yes. Now. It could even be part of the three S’s, but there’s no S in it.

Tea: No. It’s only for High Tea at 4pm. And it must come with a scone.

Breakfast: Okay. I don’t normally eat breakfast, but I love it when I have it. Speaking of which, I should change my ways.

Brushing of the Teeth: Do it. 4 out of 5 dentists agree.

Exercise: Forget it. You could literally be sleeping instead. Seriously, stay in bed.

Road Rage: Conditional. If you have to commute to work, you’re basically screwed. So get mad about it, by all means.

Reading of the Newspaper: Okay. But you can kill two birds with one stone by accomplishing this while sh$tting.

Meditation: No. Extra sleep is good enough.

Sleeping in: I just found my fourth ‘S’. Zzzzzzzz.

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From strength to strength – I assume this means to turn something robust into something fractionally more robust? Robuster.

Astonishing – There are astonishingly few reasons to use this word. Think about it. Are you not astonished at how amazing my observations are?

New normal – I prefer ‘old abnormal’. In that, everything old is new again. Hmmm… I hope this blurb isn’t indicative of how things turn out.

Touch base – Unless you’re trying to get to 2nd base on the 1st date, avoid the literal use of this term. Oh and hey girl, how you doing?

Agile – When you use this in the context of describing a large organization, I suggest you reevaluate your understanding of how a large organization works. What’s the opposite of agile? Lumbering? Glacial?

Slacktivism – Please like this post on Facebook to save the whales.  Or whatever.

Manspreading – Seriously, the boys need to breathe. However, no one needs to talk about it, so stop spreading the news.

Selfie stick – Banned from the Smithsonian! Excellent. Even more reason to like museums.

Burning platform – Is it for motivating people to jump higher in a crisis, or just an agile metaphor on the new normal? I’ll touch base with you when I find out. (P.S. I won’t.)

Cascading – This could be my favorite word. Ever. Cascading communication to staff via line management is the most efficient means to reach everyone. It moves from strength to strength, is burning, unslackerish and is both the new and the old normal. Now allow me introduce you to a cool word, ‘sarcasm’, and then bid you adieu.

Al desko – This means eating lunch at your desk. I’ll give whomever coined this phrase points for trying, but if I hear anyone using it, I’ll cascade a few slaps to your bases (I mean, faces).

I am not an expert but… – No kidding. But I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night, so everything I’ve written here can only be construed as pure gold.

Enjoy previous posts in the seriously world-class and impactful ‘Words To Never Use’ series. Patent not pending. All rights reserved, except if drinking a pint. Please consult your neighborhood pub before maturing your pain points.

Avoid

Avoid

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I don’t care for guacamole. It’s like…whatever. If you want to prepare it at my table while I watch, okay I’ll eat it. But 9 out of 10 times, that lump of green goo is the only thing left on my plate at a Mexican restaurant. And the same for avocados. Just stop.

In ‘N Out Burger is not the greatest burger ever. Not even close. Plus between chicken mole in Tijuana for lunch and an animal style In ‘N Out burger for dinner, I got food poisoning. You know which one my money is on. In then out!

Kale is just weeds in a bowl. As a kid I would sample the dandelions in our yard. Neither wise, nor good. Same thing with kale, only dandelions are free. And kind of cool when they turn to white puff balls. I wrote balls.

Citizen Kane is not the greatest movie ever made. And Titanic was not terrible. Stop winkingly trashing it like you’re in the know. You are not.

The New England Patriots are proven cheaters. But the NFL doesn’t care. I didn’t write balls.

I do not like the word foodie, nor being called one. But call yourself what ever you want. You Epicurist.

I like snow. Shut down DC all you want. But the same does not go for Congress, no more shut-downs for you.

Pretentious and self-important people are annoying. Including me. Especially me.

I like the fact that suddenly so many in America are against Seattle and its sports fans, because of the brash and cocky Seahawks. Boom.

Overly opinionated lists of things are deflating. And ballsy.

Oops, I blasphemed!

No-Kale

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If the CSA gives you veggies, you might as well use them!

Wait, those tomatos are fruit...

Wait, those tomatoes are fruit…

‘Just a Burger’ Recipe

Ingredients

  • 1 Roma tomato – sliced
  • 1 Hungarian Hot Wax pepper – sliced
  • 1/8 White onion – sliced
  • 1/8 Green cabbage – de-leafed
  • 2 potato roll buns – toasted
  • 2 hamburger patties – grilled
  • 2 slices Harvarti cheese
  • 2 parts mayo – squeezed
  • 2 parts mustard – squeezed

Directions

  1. Slice veggies. Avoid fingers.
  2. Pull off some cabbage leaves. Feed any pet rabbits.
  3. Toast your buns.
  4. Grill your patties. Add cheese until melted.
  5. Squirt mayo and mustard on your buns.
  6. Apply veggies in progressive layers.
  7. Drop a hot mess of meat and cheese on there.
  8. Squish it all together. Don’t worry about presentation, it’s just a burger.
  9. Bite. Chew. Repeat.
  10. Have water handy, in case your Hot Wax pepper is too hot to handle.

 

Just bread and salad?

Just bread and salad?

Add some blurry meat and cheese!

Add some blurry meat and cheese!

Fin.

 

 

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With this post, I embrace the dark side. Don’t try to save me.

 

HR-Stops-the-Hulk-Smash

 

1. Selfie Stick – Yes, these do exist. It is NOT a joke. They are big in Indonesia. You have been warned. So buy one.

You want one.

You want one.

 

2. Segway – I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. No. Its creator fell off a cliff using one. If that’s not enough, this happened…

The world allowed this.

The world allowed this.

.

3. Shake Weight – Can I assume we all know this isn’t making your arms stronger? Your work-out will not be more awesome. Even Jon Stewart agrees!

4. Spam – In the never-ending stream of worthless email sense. Take a flying leap spammers, you.

5. Sadness – Everything is awesome!

 

6. Spam – In the meat-ish substance sense. Just no.

Yes, that is a human brain.

Yes, that is a human brain.

 

7. Scurvy – Referred to as scorbutus in Latin circles. Suck a lemon already! There’s no excuse for Vitamin C deficiency, unless you’re Tom Hanks searching for Wilson*.

WILSON!

WILSON!

8. Shingles – Referred to as herpes zoster in medical circles. Ouch!**

9. Stupidity – Let’s start with this blog post. Let’s end there too.

10. Sharknado 2: The Second One – Even the name says they aren’t trying.

You're so going to watch this and not admit it to anyone.

You’re so going to watch this and not admit it to anyone.

11. Sewage – Specifically five million gallons of it: http://dcist.com/2014/05/five_million_gallons_of_sewage_spil.php

 

Admit it, you feel dirty now. Don’t mention it, it was my pleasure.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

* Don’t know the movie reference? There’s always Google.

** I refrained from adding a photo. You are welcome.

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By the time this post hits your computer screen, I will be on a plane, flying to a place far, far away. Therefore, I eschew all responsibility for the contents herein. Be forewarned.

 

I have a terrible addiction.

I can’t stop clicking these stupid lists of things from places like BuzzFeed, NewsLinQ and any number of others.

You know the ones. They are like the supermarket check-out line tabloids, there when you have little else to do.

I’m especially prone to click the lists about dogs.

For example:
27 Dogs Wondering What is Even Happening Right Now. #19 Literally Had Me ROTFLing!

http://www.newslinq.com/27-dogs-wondering-even-happening-right-now/

The photo captions are awful. Most of the photos are stupid. A few are mildly funny (like #19 because wiener dogs are awesome).

Another example:
33 Dogs Who Cannot Handle the Moment. #3 Just Can’t Right Now

http://www.newslinq.com/33-dogs-handle-moment/

I admit to a guffaw here or there. Or an occasional near perceptible smile.

But do I feel good about it? Do I want to do it? No.

I feel like I ate too much of something I did not want to eat to begin with. (Fruitcake?)

I blame Facebook.

And you for liking or sharing these on Facebook for me to find.

Only you can stop my addiction!

Okay, I give up:

http://www.newslinq.com/30-reasons-love-dogs-pictures/

Author’s note: No actual hipsters were thwarted in the process of writing this post. They. Just. Cannot. Handle. The. Moment.

Can this thwart a hipster?

Can this thwart a hipster?

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Most of the words in our workplace are boring. So we borrow, reuse and invent new ones to amuse ourselves.

We try to make our work sound more important than it really is. All we end up with is obfuscation.

Co-creation – You create something by yourself. You writers and painters and developers and creative people. Then you get feedback and input that either dumbs it down or turns it into something no longer interesting. Co-creation = obfuscation. Don’t be a co-creationist.

Passion – The meaning is clear. Use only for it’s intended purpose. ‘She’s passionate about Twitter.’ Meh. ‘His passion for taking selfies is unmatched.’ No way. ‘He has a passion for writing.’ Better. ‘The young lover’s fiery, unquenchable passion for each other was palpable.’ Good. Also, sorry for injecting this post with YA romance.

Go pear-shaped – The shape of a pear is natural. Something you screwed up? Also natural. And typical you. Just don’t blame the pear.

World-class – The biggest humble brag any organization can say about itself. And many do. Classy.

Farm-to-table – As opposed to ‘Hydroponics room-to-table’? ‘Test tube-to-table’? I hope you washed the pears before you put them on my table.

Curate – As in curate content for social media. Sounds exciting. It’s not. Curating paintings and artifacts for a museum? Somewhat exciting. Curating lost treasure from the bottomless fathoms of the sea? Damn exciting.

Landscaping – If your garden or lawn needs work, landscape it. If your work needs review and analysis, tend to it.

Manscaping – Visualize the implications of this word. You are welcome.

Adorbs – No. If you are too lazy to write actual words like ‘adorable’, please stop writing. Thx! Xs & Os!

To ballpark (something) – Use ‘estimate’ already! You play the great game of baseball in a ballpark. Don’t sully this word.

Game changer – Anything you call a ‘game changer’ is an exaggeration. The games have already been changed. Just start playing. Start with baseball.

Future proof – The future is immune to your proofing. Even futurists get it wrong. I predict.

Pain points – My pain point is that I have to write these world-class, game changing lists. I ballpark that I can curate a few more. The English language is ever ripe for abuse. And I am passionate about landscaping the pear-shapedness of how obfuscated this co-creationism has become.

You are adorbs!

obfuscation

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