Profound Observations, and Other Reasons to Get Out of Bed

After a spinning, dizzy time on this planet, I’ve made some profound observations with my keen and scientifically rigorous studies. I didn’t write anything down, so I’ve promptly forgotten everything.

In order to say anything useful here (as if), I had to invent a few observations. Just keep that between you and me. I don’t want my Junior Scientist of the Week Award (from 2nd Grade) revoked.

Let’s get to some hard-hitting and earth-shattering observations with a bit of analysis and evidence thrown in at random.

Observation #1: The proportion of women sporting sundresses in July is 1000% greater than in January. Also, so is my attention.

Observation #2: 70% of all people alone on the street stare at and text on their cell phones. The other 30%? Joggers listening to their iPods.

Observation #3: A wiener dog’s primary goal in life is to lick your face. The only difference between individual wieners is how aggressively they pursue this goal.

Observation #4: I have access to infinite information via countless modalities, yet I am dumber than I was 10 years ago. Evidence: I assume, because I can’t remember 10 years ago.

Observation #5: Our children, with their texting and tweeting, will give the keepers of dictionaries a heart attack. The English language will revert to the dark ages of spelling. Evidence: IMHO they r teribl spelrs n r PPL w/o a POV. RBTL. WTF. #typosforever.

Observation #6: Mother Nature was extremely peeved at the East Coast this summer. Evidence: Hurricane Irene, a 5.8 earthquake and multiple 100+ degree days.

Observation #7: Hurricane Irene was more bark than bite. More Charlie Sheen than warlock. More scorned first date than scorned wife. More chihuahua than wiener dog.

Observation #8: People overreact to the slightest things. Evidence: New York City closed down its metro service for the first time in history to avoid getting blown away and flooded by a hurricane. Analysis: Wusses.

Observation #9: Give me an umbrella and I’ll give you a milk carton with a ‘Missing Umbrella’ notice on the side.

Observation #10: If you pay someone a small kindness that goes wrong (like breaking their leg while saving their life), they will still have no problem suing you.

Observation #11: I prefer to talk to people after they’ve had their coffee.

Observation #12: If you typically wear full body paint to a sports game, you probably don’t care what people think of you. Or your father dropped you as a baby. During a game.

Observation #13: People that complain about the weather in the Pacific Northwest, didn’t grow up in the Pacific Northwest.

Observation #14: The default setting for many people these days is as a self-centered, lazy, unmotivated procrastinator. Evidence: No World Peace. People dying of hunger. Animal cruelty. US politicians saying nothing and doing less. Child trafficking. Pollution. Epic amounts of waste (trash and food). Yet we accept these things as normal. Analysis: Do something. Change your setting.

Observation #15: Observation #14 was a bit of a downer.

Observation #16: Puppies are cute. Evidence: Observe a puppy at play.

Observation #17: People that wake up by 5:00 am every morning are old, farmers or crazy. One can be all three.

Observation #18: Most corporate meetings are a colossal waste of time. Evidence: Dilbert.

Observation #19: You are smarter than you look. Evidence: I really hope this is true, because otherwise you need to start worrying.

Observation #20: I didn’t have anything good to blog about. Evidence: This post. Analysis: I’m self-centered, lazy and unmotivated to the point of procrastination.

Obseration #21: People that demand perfection, need to get out in the real world more often.  Evidence: That bumper sticker saying ‘Nobody’s Perfect’. Analysis: I left some tipos hear to realy miess with u perfecktionolists.

Observation #22: I’m directly responsible for wasting 2:20 minutes of your day. Evidence: You are reading this last observation (assuming you didn’t just skip to the end). Analysis: You won’t sue me, because you’re smart.