Archive for February, 2011

Not to rely on the overly dramatic or get you into a tizzy, but here are a few things that have the potential to unravel the fabric of the entire universe.* These are the game changers. Be warned. Be wary.

Pittsburgh Steelers ‘2011 Super Bowl Champions’ clothes – This bundle of pre-printed joy is heading to developing countries. It needs to go anywhere but the United States. Nothing says hope and progress like a T-shirt with lies printed on it.

Zombies – Once the hordes of these undead masses rise up to subdue the planet, it will be hard to recover from. Watch The Walking Dead on AMC to learn survival tips.

Hope – We can do it! (Maybe)

Fear – We can’t do it! (More likely)

eReaders – The world can finally, legitimately, pretend to read ‘the classics’ while actually downloading photos from the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition app. Everybody wins.

Social Media Advertising – Gone are the ads we just look at impassively for TV, print, billboards, etc. Instead, now we can have brand ‘conversations’ and online ‘interactions’ with our biodegradable soap on a rope or our eco-friendly SUVs with Starbucks coffee makers in the dashboard.** This is Reality 2.0. If you’re not living it now, are you alive?

The Creation Museum (in Kentucky) – Finally Christians everywhere can breathe freely. Evolution debunked! Humans certainly strapped saddles to and rode cuddly dinosaurs just 6000 years ago. If it’s in a museum, it’s true.

Watson Supercomputer – The machines are coming to defeat us. Soon. The only question is: will it be the machines from Terminator aka Skynet or Battlestar Galactica aka Cylons?

Jersey Shore – Will film their next season in Italy. Much like Godzilla wrecking havoc in Tokyo, the cast of Jersey Shore is sure to topple the Roman ruins in their drunken, prankster wake. Finally the Roman Empire will fall.

Hippopotamidae Flu – Surely the next panic-inducing global pandemic on par with Swine and Avian Flu. Just don’t blame the hippos.

Wikipedia – Because fact-checked encyclopedias are better suited as a doorstop than purveyors of information. User-generated truth will prevail!

WikiLeaks – Because state secrets via Anonymous tips in drop spots in the park are better suited for spy novels. Let everyone know everything! Now! Or Anonymous will find you. And hurt you.

*Author’s Note: This post contains no actual truth or analysis. Nor is it particularily informative. Amusing? Probably not. Yet if you do believe any of these things will change anything, it shows you are wise beyond words. You may even consider buying some ocean-front property in Idaho.***

** Or conversations and interactions with the St. Pauli Girl, natch.

*** Suck it, Arizona.

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Oh wait, I meant the Oscars! The Grammys are a tired, clueless and mostly pointless affair. Let’s not dwell on them.

Instead, let’s talk about the 2011 Academy Awards! I’m convinced I’ll be wrong on most of these, but let’s roll the dice.

Best Picture – I saw six of these movies. So the four I didn’t see, don’t stand a chance.

  • 127 Hours
  • Black Swan
  • The Fighter
  • Inception
  • The Kids Are All Right
  • The King’s Speech (Winner)
  • The Social Network
  • Toy Story 3
  • True Grit
  • Winter’s Bone

Best Actor – The King will win. Just don’t let him speak.

  • Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
  • Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
  • Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
  • Colin Firth (The King’s Speech) (Winner)
  • James France (127 Hours)

Best Supporting Actor – The King’s speech therapist will win.

  • Christian Bale (The Fighter)
  • John Hawkes (Winter’s Bone)
  • Jeremy Renner (The Town)
  • Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are All Right)
  • Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech) (Winner)

Best Actress – I’m sure Natalie Portman is the frontrunner, but when the kids are all right, who’s to get in their way?

  • Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right) (Winner)
  • Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
  • Jennifer Lawrence (Winter’s Bone)
  • Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
  • Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Best Supporting Actress – No clue, so let’s go down swinging.

  • Amy Adams (The Fighter) (Winner)
  • Helena Bonham Carter (The King’s Speech)
  • Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
  • Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
  • Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Adapted Screenplay – I figure this movie won’t win the big prize, but will get a back-handed slap win.

  • 127 Hours
  • The Social Network (Winner)
  • Toy Story 3
  • True Grit
  • Winter’s Bone

Original Screenplay – the King’s speech writer will win.

  • Another Year
  • The Fighter
  • Inception
  • The Kids Are All Right
  • The King’s Speech (Winner)

Best Animated Feature Film – Pixar. Another win. Lock.

  • How to Train Your Dragon
  • The Illusionist
  • Toy Story 3 (Winner)

Best Director – Fincher wins for Fight Club. Oh wait, wrong year.

  • Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
  • David O. Russell (The Fighter)
  • Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech)
  • David Fincher (The Social Network) (Winner)
  • Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

I predict I’ll get 2 out of 9 correct.


Epilogue: I did better than hoped for and got 5/9 right!

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If a train station is where a train stops, what’s a work station? Author Unknown

In the dim background of our mind, we know what we ought to be doing but somehow we cannot start. – William James

When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better. – Pauline R. Kezer

Learning is the only thing the mind never exhausts, never fears, and never regrets. – Leonardo Da Vinci

An avalanche begins with a snowflake. – Joseph Compton

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