Top Summer Movies To See in 2009

Here is my handy cheat sheet on the upcoming summer movies:

Gotta see it…

  • X-Men Origins: Wolverine
  • Star Trek
  • Terminator Salvation
  • Public Enemies
  • Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  • Up
  • Inglorious Bastards
  • Brüno
  • The Land of the Lost
  • The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3
  • The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
  • Year One
  • The Hangover
  • Funny People
  • The Time Traveler’s Wife

Slightly curious…

  • G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
  • Night at the Musuem: Battle of the Smithsonian
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
  • District 9
  • Battle for Terra
  • Ponya

No way!

  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • My Sister’s Keeper
  • Angels & Demons
  • Orphan

Random iPod Playlist: Utterly Unabashedly Unashamed

Well, maybe not completely unashamed… For some reason, I’ve decided to share my utter shame with you in the form of a freshly minted random playlist. Let’s be frank, if one were to like any of these songs, that person should not be so eager to admit it in public. Yet, I feel you deserve my trust, dear reader, so I will expose my innermost, darkest secrets and hold my head up high while doing it! Blah, blah, blah, I made that trust part up. It’s just a collection of songs, don’t get all soft on me.

If you dispute the validity and merits of any of these, well you probably have a good point, but point it in the other direction. I’m shameless.

  1. Shameless“, Garth Brooks
  2. Don’t Walk Away“, Bad English – as this list is just getting started.
  3. Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny)“, Ar Rahman with the Pussycat Dolls – sadly, yes you are.
  4. Hot N Cold“, Katy Perry
  5. Forever and for Always“, Shania Twain
  6. Hey Mama“, The Black Eyed Peas
  7. Starry Eyed Surprise“, Oakenfold – you know you’re moving to this right now.
  8. I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’“, Scissor Sisters – I want so much to hate this song!
  9. Believe“, Cher – urgghhh, Cher! Yet somehow I believe.
  10. Tell Her About It“, Billy Joel – I did and she didn’t care.
  11. I Am A Man of Constant Sorrow“, The Soggy Bottom Boys
  12. Come On Over Baby (All I Want is You)”, Christina Aguilera – alright! Now we’re talking!
  13. My Moves Are White (White Hot, That Is)”, Cobra Starship
  14. Days Go By“, Dirty Vegas
  15. Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)“, Looking Glass – yes, yes she is.
  16. Open Arms“, Journey
  17. Dancing in the Moonlight“, King Harvest
  18. Take A Chance On Me“, ABBA – frankly any ABBA song will do…
  19. September“, Earth, Wind and Fire
  20. I’m Coming Out“, Diana Ross – and “Upside Down” too

Did we just end that playlist with a bunch of disco songs? Indeed.

Wait…I see you dancing! Don’t deny it. Now let the healing begin.

Top Things I Wouldn’t Even Give To My Dog

Here are some unfortunate food or drink items I recently attempted to ingest. I wouldn’t even subject my dog* to these awful concoctions:


Those sambuca shots – pretty self-explanatory.

That dense ‘chocolate coconut cake’ thing at Ebenezer’s coffee shop – okay, it did look good in the display and I didn’t know there was coconut in it.

That chickenesque deli sandwich in South Africa – what was that? Chalk? Sadly, if that was a chicken, it died in vain.

That mummified ground beef from the freezer – surprisingly, taco seasoning mix cancels out all other potential tastes.

Those Obama cookies – did not try them, but just have to ask, why? No, we can’t.

That “cinnamon flavored” whiskey called Fireball – I probably don’t even need to add a wry comment here.

That Mexican food in Truckee, California – the mole sauce might refer to the burrowing kind.

That ‘snack’ on South Africa Airlines – 98.3% bread, 1.6% meat, .1% sauce. 100% trash bin.

That Verizon Center popcorn during a college basketball game – it might have been leftover packing peanuts from my move to DC 5 years ago.

Cyprus fruit of doom
Cyprus fruit of doom


That candied fruit in Cyprus – a new way to puke without being sick. People eat this for dessert? They are better people than me…





* My dog has discerning tastes, and enjoys an occasional ripe dish of cat poop tartare garnished with blades of grass. Dessert is a small swath of my bed sheet to clean out the colon.

Please Except My Most Sincere Apology

First, let me apologize for my most sincere apology.

Second, let me profusely apologize for apologizing for my most sincere apology.

I’m very sorry to have apologized so profusely while apologizing for my most sincere apology. Sorry about that.

Why has ‘sorry’ and apologizing become so common in our everyday discourse? What on earth are we so sorry about?

When we take the bus or the train or fly in an airplane, it may be the only word we  say for hours at a time. It means so many things.

  • ‘Sorry.’  without looking at the person (I just invaded your personal space.)
  • ‘Sorry.’ (For putting my seat back into your face.) while not moving it out of their face
  • ‘Sorry!’ with eyebrows raised (I just stepped on your foot! But watch where you’re going.)
  • ‘Sorry!’ while furrowing your brow (You’re out of that particular menu item, yet I had the audacity to order it.)
  • ‘Sorry!’ while shrugging your shoulders and shaking your head (I wish I knew the answer to your question! But don’t waste my time if you’re too much of an idiot to know where the toilet is on this airplane.)
  • ‘Sorry?’ while tilting your head (What did you just say to me?)
  • ‘Sorry…’ while pointing to the guy next to you (It wasn’t me that just dropped a stinkbomb…it was that guy.)
  • ‘Sorry!?!?’ while balling up your fists (Are you crazy!?!? Get out of my way, jackass!)
  • ‘Sorry!!!’ while cowering (For even existing!!!)

“Sorry’ is now an accepted standby for all conversation.

I’m mournfully apologetic that I had to bring this your attention. Sorry does not even begin to describe my remorse. I lament that you will never forgive me.

regretfully yours

P.S. Powerfully Sorry, but here’s a playlist:

  • “Queen of Apology”, The Sounds
  • “All Apologies”, Nirvana
  • “Apologize”, OneRepublic

Five Random TV Shows: Criminally Canceled

I have little desire to be original, as a Google search will likely take you to scads of similar lists with many of the same entries. Suffice it to say, you are not reading those lists, you are reading this one. You know where the truth lies, so start now to discover the TV shows that got criminally canceled by the clueless suits that clearly hated their careers. Commence.

Firefly (FOX) (14 episodes + 1 feature movie) – ‘An epic spaghetti western in space’ might read the original pitch for Joss Whedon’s brilliant and tragically short-lived show, yet it’s so much more. It easily ranks among the best shows ever not to be given a chance. Scheduled on Fridays (geek night – though I watched it), only 11 of the 14 episodes were aired. The network also tampered with the story and didn’t show the pilot (the two-hour first episode!) until the end of its run. Buy the DVD. Watch all the episodes. In order. It will make the tragedy that much more palatable.

Arrested Development (FOX) (3 Seasons) – The funniest show ever that only 4.2 million people watched. Chock full of non sequiturs, asinine and idiotic characters, ridiculously complex stories and in-jokes that thread throughout each episode, and David Cross, as the most clueless character ever conceived. If only we could all be ‘never nude’ or have a fascination with the Blue Man Group like Cross’s Tobias Fünke. I take that back, compared to the Bluth family, Tobias is completely normal.

Veronica Mars (UPN then CW) (3 Seasons) – ‘A long time ago, we used to be friends but I haven’t thought of you lately at all’. As the theme song reverberates through your brain, you might want to recall how good this show was. Kristen Bell was great as a high school super sleuth and Enrico Colantoni was well cast as her private investigator father. The first season is among the best TV has yet to offer, as Veronica Mars tries to solve the murder of her best friend. If you don’t watch this show, don’t come crying to me when life no longer makes sense.

Karen Sisco (ABC) (10 episodes) – Based on the U.S. Marshall character from Elmore Leonard’s novel Out of Sight (and the movie where Jennifer Lopez played opposite George Clooney), you could tell this show was going to be good. It wasn’t given a chance to find its audience. With Carla Gugino as Karen and Robert Forester as her father, the only analysis worthy of noting is this show got a raw deal.

Futurama (FOX) (4 Seasons + 4 made for TV movies) – Much like its predecessor which continues today, The Simpsons, Matt Groening’s take on humanity 1000 years in the future is parts hilarious, ridiculous and poignant. It deserved to live on if only to hear more from the heads in jars. Al Gore on about the environment? Nixon’s head escaping and chewing on Fry’s arm? Tasty.


P.S. FOX deserves some sort of kick in the ass for leading the pack in canceling good shows. Conversely, maybe not too hard of a kick since they had the foresight to give these shows at least a chance.