Exposed below, we find a larger-than-life missive on the sport of soccer, also known as football by the hostiles, that contains a brilliant, irrefutable argument on why Chelsea (West London) will win the UEFA Champions League tournament, crushing the hopes and dreams of lesser teams like; Liverpool, FC Barcelona, and Manchester United. The argument proceeds thusly:
Because I said so.
It is flawless. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. There is no room to inject counter arguments or rebuttals. Where would you even put them?
Notice the extra emphasis on the word “I”. It appears that this tactic is being used to convey some extra level of significance to this particular word. Ingenious, this.
It’s almost as if the author (me) is calling himself out as having some superior level of knowledge and intellect. I mean really, how can he (I assume it’s a he, since it’s me) be so confident in his bold assertion? It’s likely beyond your ability to comprehend. Confused, you scratch your head, and repeat the immortal mantra aloud for yourself “Chelsea will win, because I say so.”
Yes, that’s the spirit! You’ve got it just right! The infliction. The cadence. The whole thing, just perfect. Try it again. Go ahead.
“Chelsea will win, because I say so.”
Ha! Brilliant! It’s almost as if the argument is self-perpetuating. It will surely spread like a reckless wildfire or a bad rash just before a first date.
The Quarter-Finals are in two weeks. Start chanting your new-found mantra every day before bed. Soon you will be correct. Chelsea will beat Liverpool. This will be the 5th time in five years that these two clubs have met in the Champions League. Last year, Chelsea knocked Liverpool out, and rightly so. Just as they will do this year.
“Chelsea will beat Liverpool, because I say so.”
April 8, 2009 – Chelsea battles Liverpool at Anfield. Prediction: Draw 1-1
April 14, 2009 – Liverpool travels to Stamford Bridge, where they will be tossed aside by the waving blue flags. Prediction: Chelsea 1-0.
Chelsea advances with a 2-1 aggregate score! Go Blue!